There are a lot of things that have gone through my mind these past few months. This is not my first pregnancy. However, a lot has changed since I last gave birth ( 2012). My body has gone through so many changes.
One topic in particular that has been tough for me is breastfeeding. I recently got choked up talking to my mom about not having the option with this baby. I nursed both my boys and I considered it special bonding time with them both.
However, that’s not an option. I keep trying to mentally prepare myself for holding my baby girl for the first time and having the reality hit hard. Thinking about it makes me teary-eyed and I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal to me.
At a recent Dr’s appointment the doctor was going over some changes I can expect during this trimester and she asked me that question. It completely caught me off guard since I had already had the “I had breast cancer” conversation and they have all my medical records, but still she asked.
“Will you be nursing?”
There was an awkward pause and I felt my eyes welling with tears. I didn’t expect to get so emotional and I didn’t expect the question as everyone around me knows, I can’t breast feed.
“I can’t,” I answered fighting back tears. ” I had breast cancer.”
Her face completely changed and for a second I thought she was going to cry. She was extremely apologetic and I didn’t want to make matters worse by completely breaking down so I smiled and changed the subject.
I was so caught up in the miracle of being able to conceive in spite of everything the doctor’s had told me, that I hadn’t thought about how I would feel facing the reality that breastfeeding is no longer an option for me.