There are a lot of things that have gone through my mind these past few months. This is not my first pregnancy. However, a lot has changed since I last gave birth ( 2012). My body has gone through so many changes.
One topic in particular that has been tough for me is breastfeeding. I recently got choked up talking to my mom about not having the option with this baby. I nursed both my boys and I considered it special bonding time with them both.
However, that’s not an option. I keep trying to mentally prepare myself for holding my baby girl for the first time and having the reality hit hard. Thinking about it makes me teary-eyed and I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal to me.
At a recent Dr’s appointment the doctor was going over some changes I can expect during this trimester and she asked me that question. It completely caught me off guard since I had already had the “I had breast cancer” conversation and they have all my medical records, but still she asked.
“Will you be nursing?”
There was an awkward pause and I felt my eyes welling with tears. I didn’t expect to get so emotional and I didn’t expect the question as everyone around me knows, I can’t breast feed.
“I can’t,” I answered fighting back tears. ” I had breast cancer.”
Her face completely changed and for a second I thought she was going to cry. She was extremely apologetic and I didn’t want to make matters worse by completely breaking down so I smiled and changed the subject.
I was so caught up in the miracle of being able to conceive in spite of everything the doctor’s had told me, that I hadn’t thought about how I would feel facing the reality that breastfeeding is no longer an option for me.
I've always believed that we tend to be the most effective in areas where we have been the most affected. It's often our deepest pains that draw us closer to our purpose. Those words never really hit home until I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer at the age of 28. I had watched both my mother and grandmother battle the disease, but never thought I would find myself in the same battle, especially not so young. I've learned through this journey that it's not what you go through, but how you go through it. I wanted to share my story in hopes that it will inspire someone to keep fighting, keep the faith and live on purpose.